Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I go between being really pissed at you and being grateful. Pissed? You are wondering why I am pissed at you? You stole almost two years from me, where instead of having surgeries, chemo, radiation, nausea, constipation, insomnia, anger, having my pee turn red, having mouth sores, being bald, not being able to work as much as I used to when I should have been playing hockey, riding my bike, being outside enjoying the weather, not being so fucking tired I wanted to sleep, then not being able to sleep because of insomnia, making dinner then not being able to eat because I felt like shit.
You make it hard for me to think, because of chemobrain. I used to know the answers to things, but some days I just struggle to put sentences together.
I have scars, both emotional and physical because of you. You made it hard for me to look at myself for the longest time, that has passed, but I am still angry about it.
You are the reason my friend Nick Corea is no longer here. You took him from us too soon. I still remember that day when I found out he was gone. It was like it was yesterday. You robbed the world of a great man. For that you will never be forgiven.
You wonder why I am grateful? I am not grateful for you, lets make that clear. I am grateful that I found you early, early enough to get treatment to stop you. I am grateful that I found strength that I never knew I had, Grateful that I have an awesome support system of friends, family and co-workers. The medical staff that I had was the best anyone could ask for.
Grateful I found a voice not only for myself, but because of you, I can speak for those who can't, who are too afraid, too sick, too weak or just too afraid.
Grateful for the network of people that I have found who hate you as much as I do. Who want to eradicate you as much as I do.
Grateful I have found a purpose. Ha, you think you did all this for me? I realized strength and determination was in me all along, it just took something as vile as you to bring it to the surface.
Now you can leave. You can leave all my friends alone. You can leave people I never met alone. You can go away. Never come back.
If you do the last five things I ask I will be eternally grateful.
Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now, and also available on itunes